Confessions of a Mom

The past one year has been a hell of emotional rollercoaster. I lost my temper A LOT, I yelled at my daughter and pushed her away cause I couldn't handle the stress. I let her cried in the middle of night begging me to pick her up out of bed or lulling her back to sleep. I got angry when she refused to eat and put on her diaper. I grew resentment towards my partner. I am not who I used to be.

Of course it didn't take long for me to regret what I had done and hated myself afterward for not being able to control my emotion. I know I should not take things for granted, that I should be thankful my baby is perfectly healthy and I got help from my surroundings. Even just recently, we decided to hire a nanny to help me get my sanity back despite the lurking risks.

I don't know if the pandemic worsen my situation. On the one hand, I'm glad I could spend time at home, switching roles from being a lecturer to a mom just within second. I can breastfeed my baby just few minutes before the class starts and hug her right after my meeting ends.

But there are times when I feel like losing my self and going through endless tunnels, mundane days. My body is no longer (only) mine. My mind is occupied by hell lot of things.

I googled stuff like wether mom rage is normal. Well, turns out it is and Google gave me tips how to deal with it.

It is not easy to write it all down. I know I have to get these things out of my head, but it also feels like exposing your vulnerability.

Dear Sasi, if you will ever have a chance to read this, please forgive Ibu.
I want you to know that my anger has nothing to do with you.
It is just me trying to deal with my self.
You've been such a blessing and a wonderful daughter and I love you so much.